Ex Marks The Spot ....

Has there ever been that one person in your life that you know or feel you weren't meant to be without? A soulmate for lack of a better word. That whenever you think about the times you spent together you get this fluttery feeling in your tummy? Maybe you look back at all of that and wish that you could experience it all over again? This is something I am very familiar with and am constantly trying to figure out.

I don't want to put his name out here so, for the sake of privacy, I will refer to him as B. We met when I lived in Chicago. I have know him for about 5 or 6 years now. We actually first met on an online gay chat site, a company that I now cannot stand but I will save that for another post. I have never had much success with meeting people for something long term from initial contact in chat but something about this felt different. We ended up meeting the first night that we started talking. This is something I have not done since, never met anyone else that made me feel the way he did ... the way he does. We met that night, spent quite a bit of time together, he stayed the night and we ended up spending a couple of days in a row together. It was amazing! I never felt happier.

Things felt so right when I was with him. Holding hands, touching his skin, kissing him ... I felt like nothing else mattered when I was with him. I was not afraid to be who I was and, for the first time, I was not all hung up on my appearance. Our relationship was so much more than that. As time passed, we did have our bad moments. Some of those bad moments led into us not being together anymore. But no matter how bad things were or how long we did not talk or how long we were not in eachother's lives, we always ended up back together. Like those bad things never happened. We were happier than ever. Things went on like this for a couple of years. I know it's not exactly the healthiest thing for a relationship but it worked for us in a sense. But there came a time when this stopped working ..... when I moved to California.

This is not something I say to many people but if I could change one thing in my life it would be my decision to move out here. Not so much that I DID move out here ... think it is more of the when. Anyway, before I get off topic. Moving out here has kinda killed any chance of anything else happening between us. We talked for a bit on the phone then stopped, then talked again, then stopped .... this last time we stopped, well, quite a bit of time passed. I really thought I would not speak to him again. Well, we are talking once again and it makes me a little giddy.

I go through periods of wanting a boyfriend and then not wanting one. Since moving to California it has been more of the not wanting. Again, the reason I feel that is a whole other post. But when I do want one I don't fantasize about some random guy or random possibility, I think about being with B. I picture us living together, having a home of our own somewhere between where I am now, California, and where he is now, Phoenix. Right now I am very grateful that we are talking again. Who knows, maybe we will be together again someday. I look forward to him coming to visit me in CA sometime.

I do miss sharing an evening with him whether it be a movie or dinner or just hanging out. I miss waking up with him next to me. I miss holding his hand or running my fingers through his hair. I miss the laughs we used to share about the silliest things. But what I miss most is looking into his eyes and knowing that I will never love anyone more than I love him.